Thursday, 6 August 2009

The Chemical Properties of Steel and other Conspiracy Theories

Yes I know she lost.

Vika lost and Maria won. In what sounds like a riveting three sets of tennis.

Yet all I can discern of the matter is that Maria 'enjoyed herself', Vika made her hit a 'ton of balls', Maria's mum in Russia probably heard the cries of a baby that interrupted play during the first set, and that Vika was 'not happy' with her inability to execute.

All a little 'manufactured'. More on that later.

(Photo: AP)

I'm guessing that Maria's will played an all-important role in a match that saw her fire a dozen double-faults; and that, with it being Vika's first match back since Wimbledon, her intensity may have served that self-destructive role it sometimes does when she's not able to execute.

What that says to me is that -- surprise, surprise -- Maria continues to trump most bright young things, in a battle of steel. Those that are familiar with steel that is; and it's constituent elements within the periodic table. There's plenty that haven't the faintest idea what steel is, and conduct themselves on court with all the reactivity and bravado of an inert gas.

Except I refuse to accept it even happened.

I find it both galling and suspicious that during arguably one of the best post Wimbledon encounters we've had, not a single live feed was available anywhere, and nor, from what I've now gathered from two separate sources, was it broadcast on TV.

Why the cloak and dagger secrecy?

As you've probably gathered from my previous rants, UK broadcasters tend to categorise the early parts of the US Open Series within the same file as 'The Loch Ness Monster'. Nobody's ever seen it, yet no one's prepared to either confirm or deny it's existence.

A bit like what I think's happening over in LA.

And the fact that it wasn't broadcast in the States either, simply smacks of a cover-up.

Did the match take place anywhere near 'Area 51'?

Yes it did. Three hundred or so miles south of it, in fact.

Does anyone else find the close proximity of the two venues a little strange?

Did you know that a vast underground transcontinental railroad system is rumoured to exist in that region? Along with reports of a disappearing airstrip, and engineering based on alien technology.

Did we have an alien streaker named J-Rod race on to court, having made it's way through that vast, undocumented subterranean system?

Is the similarity with 'A-Rod' a coincidence? And what sort of service speeds is J-Rod capable of?

Has everybody that happened to be in live attendance, had their recollection of the event DVR'd out of their heads?

Here's what I think really happened.

J-Rod is an alien entity brought in as an aide to secretive governmental research into super sonic service speeds.

In an, as of yet unaccountable lapse in security, J-Rod somehow made it's way from Area 51, on to court and cracked a serve that broke the sound barrier. What Maria's mother heard in Russia wasn't the sound of a baby crying at all, but of the resultant sonic boom, that had made it's way right through the earths core.

J-Rod was quickly carted back to area 51 in a super-slick men-in-black style operation.

Everyone present on court had sounds and images of a baby crying, and it's mother taking it off court, supplanted into their memories.

Spurious news feeds were also released to the media within minutes of the incident occurring.


The rather more terrestrial A-Rod was back in action at Washington this week, and dispatched Benjamin Becker 6-2, 6-3, proclaiming afterwards that his serve was the one rusty element of his game "that he didn't worry about it coming around".

I've no idea what that means, but someone whose tennis I do worry about coming around is Jo-Willy, who went out in three to John Isner. I remain largely unimpressed with French tennis. The fact that the authorities won't let things rest with Gasquet, may mean this trend is set to continue.

Dinara put out Hantuchova in straights, saying afterwards:

"I didn’t do anything spectacular. We play the same way, so it depends on who’s going to take charge of the points"

I winced instinctively when I read this. You could probably describe just about any WTA match you see these days with that caption. It does little to dispel the image of of a WTA tree of life withering away through lack of diversity.

I'd hazard a guess the same description applied to the way in which Sorana Cirstea upended Caroline Wozniacki in three sets. Caroline won a grass court title this year, but for the most part seems unable to change the trend that's seen her make finals she doesn't win. My theory is she's reached the limits of her well-rounded, non-threatening game, and needs to step out of her comfort zone.

Someone that has been able to put right a failing trend is Sabine Lisicki, who won what seems like her first three set match in months yesterday, putting out the 38 year-old Kimiko Date Krumm,
7-6 (5), 2-6, 7-5

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