D̶o̶n̶'̶t̶ ̶E̶v̶e̶r̶ change: 2012…Why you so 2011?

What might we rightly infer based on all of the 4 days we’ve had of 2012?

1) Ana’s still struggling. [Please don’t change your coach] 

2) Bartoli’s still not shy of almost double bagelling those that are still struggling (no sadz Jarmila, it’s a Marion thing – she did the exactly the same to Safina this time last year). Still, nice reaction.

3) Kim’s still taking three to do what should rightly be done in two.

Rust, yes? She’s played next to nothing since early last year. Except I’m not completely convinced she wouldn’t have found a way of playing three sets anyway.



4) Gael Monfils is still inventing new ways of incorporating muscle (he didn't even know he had) into set-motions it had NO BUSINESS being part of.

5) Sam Stosur is still losing matches she has NO BUSINESS losing. [Can’t see her or Li repeating last year. Happy to be proved wrong]

6) Serena Williams is still getting headlines for all the wrong reasons.

Well that didn’t take long, did it?

For the record, I dislike it intensely when people give her a free pass for indefensible conduct and, even worse, try and depict even the mildest criticism of that indefensible conduct as a uniquely conspiratorial witch hunt.

I’ll continue to dislike it in 2012, because, being honest, I don’t expect it to go away.

I also don’t expect to see the back of its flipside: that (very mainstream) injury cynicism some are ideologically hell-bent on (we’re calling it “karma” now?) – cynicism that persists even in the face of video evidence (2:27), and even when a subsequent MRI scan confirms the injury:






The ‘Free-Passers’ inspire revulsion, which in turn bolsters the repellent views of the Injury Cynics and vice versa.  It’s very obvious the two polarised trends are designed to feed off one another in a deadly embrace from which there can be no escape – my guess is they don’t want to escape.

Sometimes bad conduct is simply bad conduct, which Serena, like many, many before (and I daresay after) her, is neither immune to nor irreproachable for.  Sometimes, dearest trolls, it’s not a conspiracy.

And sometimes, dearest hobgoblins, an injury is just an injury – nothing more, nothing less. Not an occasion to use as a cathartic vehicle to air distaste, vendettas, your very personal dislike (or another word some venture that you’d hope shouldn’t be part of this discussion) of Serena, the way some air their soiled undies.

Perhaps we shouldn’t be surprised, then, that this, too, hasn’t changed in 2012. Trolls are still trolls whatever the Gregorian Calendar might have to say about it.

Only Rafa’s unveiling of his new top-heavy frame, and of course Murray’s announcement of  what he hopes will be a game-changing (and perhaps shape-shifting) partnership with Ivan Lendl (Murr-dl?) buck this trend of same-iness, but of course neither count as both were announced in 2011.

Either the tennis season’s pulling one hell of a fast one and intends to unleash a seismic gamechanger later this year (which, being honest, would have to be at least as seismic as Novak or even Petra’s year to count), or the season really will prove to be that trite and that unconvincing…

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Stanford: This Descent into Despair just got Asymptotic

Morita d. Ivanovic 6-3, 7-5

This is not even funny or tragic anymore. I’m not even sure it qualifies as an upset. In fact, I don’t know what it is. It’s certainly not analysis-worthy any more. For one thing, there ain’t nothing there to analyse.

How many times do we need to be told that she has an ergonomically-challenged service toss?

Or that its all a problem of confidence?

YOU DON’T SAY.

Never fun to see any player struggling – let alone a Slam winning former #1.

And I REALLY  don’t buy into those continual attempts by some to lampoon her success and caricature her as a one-trip pony….a kid that got a lucky break.

Lest we forget, her rise (and arguably some of her best matches) came during 2006-2007 – a time when Serena, Venus, Pova and Henin were all very much in their prime and at the top of their game…..all at the same time. Call it what you want, but that ain’t no fluke.

Even so, 3 years is a long time, and unless you’re a fan (a big fan) and feel a need to fashion colourful laments on how, sink or swim, you’ll be there till the end, it’s likely better to just give her some room to regroup – and she will regroup even if that doesn’t mean winning another Slam or even a position in the top 5 ever again – and say nothing at all. So that’s what I’ll be doing.


 

Kirilenko d. Georges 6-2, 6-3

I know, I know, I don’t get it either.

To be honest I never really believed Julia would follow up on her success early on this year the way, say, Petra has. That doesn’t mean I consider this even a remotely acceptable result.

Having won Stuttgart, and made the semis of Madrid (beating Caro twice in the process *snigger*) she then failed to make the second week at either RG or Wimbledon.  That’s more than simply a letdown.

And now this: a first round exit to Kirilenko – a competent and likeable enough player, but not, quite frankly, in nearly the same league.

Or maybe she is. Maybe I’ve got Julia all wrong – predictions tend, after all, to be anything but predictable.  Maybe Julia will follow the more common debutante route of continuing to languish emerging only sporadically to bag a scalp that is as big as the blaze of publicity it commands.

Frankly, I’ve had my fill of that and am holding out for something better. And not just from Julia.
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On Hyperbole, Hysteria and Fanboy-Freakonomics

I don’t follow Fed Cup. Never have, never will.

Even if it were possible to get past all the scheduling complaints (all of which exist for DC btw), the fact that only the final (if that) ever seems to get broadcast, renders even the most tenuous connection (the type I currently have with DC) almost impossible.

The only reason I bring it up now is because of the fireworks that erupted in the immediate aftermath of Domis “win” over Ana in the Slovak-Serbian Fed-Cup tie this weekend, where Ana was forced to retire (in tears) with what seems to be a torn ab, all after being 6-3, 3-0 up; following which Domi pranced around and celebrated, as most are putting it, “like she’d just won a Slam”.



Domi, thereafter, suffered an undiluted-haterade, twitter backlash, and the rest, as they say, is history.

I’m calling bullsh*t. And not at all because I like Domi (you already know I do, and I’d be well within my rights to do precisely that given how “popularity” seems to allow you to get away with pretty much anything nowadays).

I’m calling bullsh*t because I think the reaction is not simply disproportionate – it’s grotesque.

I’m calling bullsh*t because far too many, otherwise sensible people, are willing to look the other way when other, more popular players engage  in conduct that is far worse .

I’m calling bullsh*t because far too many people are willing to overlook similar utterly distasteful episodes from Serbia, who continue to enjoy an overwhelmingly positive tennis image amongst both fans and media alike – nothing wrong with that, I just don’t believe in giving anyone a free pass (I only quote them at all because they’re directly involved in this incident).

First things first. I didn’t see the incident, and if Domi has behaved even half as badly as is being implied, then it deserves to be called out in the same way as it would if JJ or Ana or Woz or Kim or Novak or Rafa or Fed or anyone else did.

What I will say is, irrespective of how much censure Domi actually deserves, I guarantee that the utterly demented HYPERBOLE (and it is demented – perform a twitter search on @cibulkova to get an idea of the abuse) will go on for far longer than it has any right to. Ana’s worldwide (and ultra-nationalist local) fanbase will settle for nothing less. It’s the law of Fanboy Freakonomics. And of the jungle.

Never mind, for the moment, that I’ve personally seen Ana fist-pumping UFEs off the racquet of an injured opponent.

Never mind that we be wouldn’t be seeing even a fraction of this HYSTERIA if it were, say, Kvitova, rather than Ana, the object of Domi’s miscue.

Why even go to hypotheticals? Where was this HYSTERIA when Petko boogie-woogied right after demolishing a hobbling Jelena Dokic earlier this year in Brisbane for the loss of only one game? Was that not equally tasteless, however innocuous the dance’s motives? Uh-uh – not in the Fanboy (and Fangirl)-Freakonomy.

The truth, is neither Petra nor Dokic (for all the sympathy she’s earnt for her troubles over the years) can hope to compete with the overwhelming enormity of Ana and Petko’s worldwide following.

Now is probably a good time to point out that I don’t begrudge either of them that following. On a good day I might even be persuaded it’s #GoodForTennis.

Now is probably also a good time to point out that I find some of the hormonal, bellicose (and in Ana’s case nationalistic) hyperbole that accompanies it to be utterly repellent. And, needless to say, pretty #ToxicForTennis.

Again, I didn’t see the match, and I very much doubt this will go down as Domi’s finest moment. What is also perfectly plausible is that a young, enthusiastic (and not particularly celebrated or decorated) woman simply got caught up in the utter frenzy of playing (and winning) for her country – but, of course, for reasons which I’d like to pretend I don’t understand, she doesn’t get a free pass.


Uh-uh. Too late for all that deary. Don’t think they’re interested in any case. Right about now, I’d say you’re five places above Marion Bartoli and only a couple of places below Justine Henin who heads up the Freakonomy’s “Most-Wanted” list.

(Pic: Tennis Grandstand)

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Miami: Heartbreak

 

Clijsters d. Ivanovic 7-6(4) 3-6 7-6(5)

If you can’t win a match at 5-1 0-40 up in the final set, however well your opponent suddenly, mysteriously begins to play, you choked. Plain and simple.

And not ALL the kind, fanciful spin in the world will change that.

That said, and I’m not a great fan of either player, but you need help if you can’t conjure up even the pretence of sympathy. Read More...

Indian Wells: “Metaphysically” Back

 

It’s highly unlikely that I’ll ever warm to Little Miss Fistpump, but I do know and I do enjoy the look of a former champion on the mend.

JJ never got into the match and spent the better part of it on her back foot being overwhelmed by Ana’s pace.

Ana’s now as in her element as she might ever be – the serve still continuing  to crumble occasionally, though not in the spectacularly pernicious way that’s wrecked any sense of continuity she might otherwise have derived over the past two years.

The highly irritating bellicose ‘ajdes’ and fistpumps (which have now acquired an equally irritating wind-up motion) will likely continue to keep me underwhelmed. Where others see “motivation” and “spirit” I see only gamesmanship of the highest order. Which isn’t in itself a problem (if a little unwholesomely “in your face”): but let us please call it what it is.

My timeline was so completely swamped with adulation, it almost gushed straight through my monitor like some metaphysical scene from Inception.

 

I would go through some of  those very same emotions  hours later.

It seems to me that nothing, but nothing, hits the mark in this age of Kangaroo-pressers and ranking system paraphernalia, than to see one of the very best, the “old guard” (if at 23 you can be called that), cut through all the crap with a statement match like this.

The serve still holds her back, but on the basis of this performance Pova’s already (metaphysically) back in the top ten.

Try and imagine what she’d look like with a decent first serve.

Dinaroshka, serving aside, did all the right things this week. That’s mostly been down to her attempting to rally her way out of trouble rather than hitting the snot out of everything that comes her way. The new found patience (instilled, I imagine, by Sanguinetti) saw her able to fight her way past a troubled Stosur but also a Dani at the very top of her game.

The serve, at this point, barely qualifies as a “work in progess”. You’d have to be a really picky dirtbag to beat up on her for that.




I was live scoreboarding this one feverishly (mostly because Caro dropped the 1st set 6-2 – I really, REALLY want a new winner this week), clumsily trying to picture how it might all be playing out.

This is how it was actually playing out:



”Alisa Kleybanova of Russia misses on a forehand volley return to Caroline Wozniacki of Denmark during the BNP Paribas Open”. (Getty’s caption not mine) 

Can we all agree Alisa Kleybanova strikes the best decontextualised tennis poses ever? [Alise Cornet a very close second]



 

I know. I don’t believe it either.

If the future's Milos, then the future will have to wait. Fed plays Bieber in the quarters.

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Oz: On the nature of Despair

 

I don’t know which I find worse: the judgmental, reactionary tut-tutting over Ana “choking” being emitted from the direction of people that didn’t even see the match.

 

Or those that are (still now) continuing to pretend that Ana’s loss is wholly inexplicable.

 

 

 

Makarova d. Ivanovic 3-6 6-4 10-8

 

First the good part: we got one heck of a match from both women.

 

Ana came into this on the back of some sound, genuine, tactile form. This was not one of the very many false-starts we’ve seen from her that usually begin and end in a rash of corrupt ball tosses.

 

We always knew she had some of the most technically-sound, incendiary stroke production this side of Li Na – today we saw her gutsily serve her way out of the agonising despair of being 3 MPs down.

 

 

That she ended up on the losing end of the best match she’s played in over two years – one in which she saved a whopping 5 MPs – is of course gut-wrenching for her fans, but also speaks to the most encouraging, unmistakably healthy signs of life since her turnaround began.

 

I get that her fans will find little comfort in this, but that’s no reason to pretend that she had no business losing to “a mere top 50 player” that left a trail of top ten wreckage in Eastbourne last year.

 

Ana simply got a rough draw. That is all.

 

Heartbreaking? Yes. “Inexplicable”, No.

 

I get that personalities, work-ethic and the exhaustive, organic buzz of following your favourite player through their best and darkest moments all year long very often transcends all of that. The trouble is, it's no different for other players  who, by the way, go through all the same struggles, week-in week out,  sometimes with not even a fraction of the fanbase, limelight or lucrative endorsements at their disposal.

 

Irrespective of whether you’re a fan or not, it’s completely outrageous not to give a player as unassuming as Makarova her due when they come through on the back of their undeniable talent, as she did in Eastbourne last year, or here this time round.

And if it’s still all too much, then spare a though for Dinara.

 

 

However bad things might get, there’s always someone who’s had a shitter night than you or your player have.

 

I don't know. I didn't know how to win a point. Basically came to this thing. I didn't know. I was sitting in the changeover and I was like, okay, at least how can I get a chance to hurt her? There was nothing that I could hurt her.

Embarrassing.

…

I had the same feeling last week when I won one game. This week I didn't win not even one game.

…

No, I mean, of course I have motivation. I've been doing two months of pre season. I'm fully motivated. I practiced hard. I cannot say that I didn't practice hard.

But I guess something was not right. I don't know. I have to figure out the answers.…to lose two tournaments in a row 6 Love, 6 1, 6 Love, 6 Love. It's really to scratch the head and to think what the hell I'm doing. It's not that I don't want. I want. There's no doubt about. I want to come back and I want to play better. But now to find answers how I can come back.

-- Dinara Safina

 

And of course someone thought it would be "funny" to ask her whether or not she even remembers last time she played well

 

I don’t wanna hate you Kim, but for now I'm proposing you be exiled to a Siberian gulag or whatever it is they do with REMORSELESS BULLIES these days.

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Rally For Relief: As Good As It Gets…

 

 

 

Everything you need to know about Rally for Relief can be found here and here.

 

You can still view the entire event here.

 

For what it’s worth (over $1.8M in flood relief), and if it is at all possible, I liked this even more than Hit for Haiti.

 

It was, perhaps, less well-managed, though there actually seemed to me to be more spontaneity from all players, including those non-limelight types. Needless to say, I loved it and we cannot have enough of this sort of thing.

 

 

Stuff we should already have known:

 

For a girl that is supposedly “out there”, Vika came across as the most demure, camera-shy, and, dare I say it, the cutest of the bunch.

 

Mandy Footy-Tennis pwns Nole Footy-Tennis. Mandy Footy-Tennis blows holes the size of Scotland in Nole Footy-Tennis.

 

Ana-Mandy sex-grunts? Ping-pong, Footy and quarterback throws all in one point? Tennis does all of that and more.

 

Bepa in Sunnies will save the world. Mark my words.

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Bali: Disestablishmentarianism

 

 

 

 

 

Admit it.

 

You struggled with Bali just as much as I did.

 

It is hard to care very much for an event that positions itself as a wannabe-SEC for the almost-but-not-quites of the WTA – especially when Aravane, the only reason I pretended to care about it, goes out.

 

And yet, at a certain level, it’s difficult not to admire the way it embraces its fugly, ‘have-not’ status. Not only that, but it appears to have found its calling as a comeback vehicle for former world #1-cum-starlets.

 

 

 

 

Ana’s back in the top twenty which, amongst other things, means she’ll be seeded in Melbourne. Difficult not to be pleased by this news whatever your opinion of her – she was always too good to sink as low and be out for as long as she was.

 

It’s good for another reason too: since she nosedived two years ago there’s been an implicit acceptance of the idea that it would be “bad form” to call out those fist-pumps of hers – you know, on her opponent’s UFEs. Yes, I’m afraid that’s bad form too – even (or especially) when a Grand Slam Starlet does it.

 

 

 

I’m not holding my breath. Starlets always get a free pass for bad form and there’s no reason to suppose that’ll change any time soon.

 

Though this is less about Ana (whom I really believe almost does it habitually) than it is about objecting to having a relentless media-machine foist its clumsy, establishmentarianist vision of “class” upon you. I have my own ideas of what or whom I deem “classy” – indisputably the most  overused (and misused) word in tennis

 

Ana seems nice enough in other respects, and she’s not that different to countless other players in respect of the fist-pumps either (habitual or not). But then they’re not being lauded as “ambassadors of the sport”, are they now?

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USO: Save it for the judge. Or something.

 

 

 

Much as I’m in favour of this sort of thing (and much as it makes the poor sod on the other side of the net LOATHE you), this is akin to a stand up comic using up all his best gags in a teaser. It also has something of the Christians and the lions about it.

 

A little more quotidian, not to mention a little more restraint, if you please.

 

Meanwhile, a little more abandon and  far more belligerence from Sod would go down nicely too.

 

Five sets in a first round match against a guy making his first appearance at a Slam?

 

Oh I’m sure Haider-Maurer played the match of his career. It’s also true that, since Wimby, Sod’s developed a most worrying tendency to storm through the early parts of a match before allowing his inner, more flatulent self to lose control of the ship.

 

 

Early on yesterday I casually surmised that if any one of Ivanovic, Stosur, LaMonf and Reeshie were to lose their opening round matches, we shouldn’t, in fact, consider it an upset however upsetting it might personally be.

 

All survived. Reeshie and Ana easily, LaMonf and Stosur less convincingly.

 

Quite what this demonstrates – other than that I’m shit at making anti-predictions – I don’t claim to understand. Though the take out as far as Stosur’s concerned appears to be that she should be closing these matches out with significantly less pain.

Ana appeared to be striking the ball well though one competent win against a dithering opponent does not a comeback make. Zheng next.

 

 

 

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There’s always Orkney…There’s always Soda Bread.

 

This.

 

I’ve been paying far too little attention to Cincy over the past two days considering how invested in a certain player I am – you have the man in pink to blame for that.

 

That serve may never again be what it once was – but in all other departments Masha’s  rapidly approaching pre-injury levels of performance and, should she walk away with the title later today, will be back at #9. It’s been too long…….FAR too long.

 

 

Kimmie overcame a tearful hobbly Ana Ivanovic after the latter was forced to pull out after only four games with what sounds to be a torn muscle:

 

“It sounds very similar to what I had with my left foot,” said Clijsters, who tore a muscle in her foot last April and missed nearly two months, including the French Open. “I hope it’s not that bad.”

…

“All of a sudden on that one shot, I felt something, you know, crack a little bit,” Ivanovic said. “I was very scared.”

Ivanovic straightened up, cupped her hands behind her head and winced. She walked gingerly to her chair and took a medical timeout, removing her shoe. A trainer rubbed the inside of the foot and taped it so Ivanovic could try to continue.

d

After the second point - a serve that Ivanovic didn’t even bother to chase - the match was over.

“I tried bit of tape, but I could not put any weight on it, and there was no point in me continuing,” she said

-- tennis.com

 

To be honest, I doubt she’d have had much success against Kimmie, but to be robbed of the chance of even trying? After her best week of tennis since…….yeah, how does that sentence end?

 

Greek Tragedy. In every sense of the word…well, except in Ana not actually being Greek. Wishing her a speedy recovery.

 

So there it is. Masha takes on Kimmie. Masha wins or I move to the Orkney Isles, turn recluse and bake soda bread for my remaining days.

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Monty really did pi*s her off.

 

 getty

Nothing like publicly played out acrimony to kickstart an ailing career (Did I say kickstart? Ok, but that’s not the same as ‘resurgent’ or ‘comeback’).

 

Speculation’s rife on whether the whole experience will transform her from Little Miss Sunshine into Cruella Deville.

 

But we don’t start using the “R” or the “C” word until she either comprehensively pushes or – eek – gets past her first real opponent of note, Kimmie, whom she plays next.

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How soon before we start calling this a comeback?

getty

 

6-1 7-5 over Shvedova, who, by anyone’s estimation, is no slouch.

 

I daren’t even use the word ‘resurgent’.

 

Whatever might be happening off court…..

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I…..Don’t See It.

 

Remember that furore over Ana not receiving a wildcard at Montreal? Well…

 

Ana has declined a wild card into the main draw of the Rogers Cup presented by National Bank in Montreal, which begins on Sunday. The 2006 champion had her initial request turned down several weeks ago, but tournament director Eugene Lapierre contacted Ana’s management company on Tuesday with the new invitation.

Explaining her decision, Ana said: “I would have loved to have played in Montreal, but I was quite hurt by the comments of Mr Lapierre that I was shown in The Montreal Gazette recently.

“I don’t think his comments were necessary, and they contradicted everything he had told my management previously: that I was not getting a wild card because I am not Canadian.

“The fact that my original request was turned down isn’t really an issue: I would have been happy to play qualifying, but I felt that they kind of stepped over the line with this interview, making public our correspondence and even misrepresenting it. Unfortunately I don’t feel welcome at this tournament.”

 

-- anaivanovic.com

 

And here’s an excerpt of Lapierre’s (tournie director) words from the Montreal Gazette  article that caused Ana upset:

 

"The way I analyzed it was that, yes, she's a player who has done a lot for our tournament -almost saved it one year. She has a lot of charisma. Everyone likes her. But the fact is that she hasn't demonstrated (with her play) that she deserves a wild card," he said yesterday.

"It's not the same as a player who has been injured and away for a while. ... She is the one who dropped down to No. 65, not because of an injury."

…

"If we didn't already have the best players in the world, if we didn't get all the players we think we can get, my choice would certainly be for the wild cards to go to international players, because you want to sell the attraction," Lapierre said. "But we have them, so it's normal to give the chance to young players."

…

When you're struggling with your confidence as much as she is, the best cure is to win tennis matches. Unseeded, the 22-year-old Serb could very easily run into a top player in the first round, lose, and be no further ahead.

"If I were her coach, I'd force her to play qualies," Lapierre said.

-- Montreal Gazette

 

 

Unprofessional? Certainly. Overstepping the mark? Quite probably.

 

But can we really argue he’s not calling it as it is?

 

Just to be clear, I don’t actually like the tone of the article and that last comment from Lapierre is uncalled for and, in any case, not for the public domain.

 

But let’s not forget that Ana won the title here four years ago – that’s almost half a tennis career for some players.

 

Why shouldn’t they award the WC to a hot local favourite??

getty

 

Let’s also not forget that the article sounds like it was prompted by fan backlash at the tournament’s initial decision to pass her over – it’s not as if Lapierre went seeking an interview.

 

Would it have been better not to comment? Absolutely.

 

And to that extent, Ana’s quite right to call them out for it, especially if, as she appears to be suggesting, they misrepresented what she saw as private communication.

 

Feel free to get up in arms on her behalf over that – not some perceived slight over a WC, which in any case would be more fittingly answered by going through qualies and then making a splash in the main draw.

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Ok so there *might* have been some twirly fist-pumping.

 

No, I actually have evidence there was.

 

But…are you kidding me? Ana beat Vika.

 

getty

 

Not only that, but Ana came back from a set and 2-4 down to beat Vika.

 

NOT ONLY THAT, but Vika wasn’t injured, traumatised or in any way affected that might compromise her ability to win.

 

In other words, an unqualified win over a top tenner who’s only outside of the top ten because she’s been struggling with injuries of her own.

 

That, me-dearies, is worth celebrating. And I’m not even a fan.

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Again.

 

getty

 

Peer d. Ivanovic 7-6 6-3

 

It’s true, she could play some International events instead of continuing like she’s still in the top ten.

 

Question: What if she lost those too? Her already ailing confidence would be further shot to bits.

 

The trouble with most (though not all) well meaning advice is that:

 

a) It’s not well meaning and tends to be lovingly laced with abuse.

 

b) Those giving it sound like patronising twats.

 

c) They don’t know sh*t about tennis

 

At some point, in the not too distant future, Ana will, presumably(?), bounce back. Until then, I’m keeping schtum. Mostly.

 

And if you must say something, then how about this.

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Rome: Govt. Health Warning - Serve-Volley may induce Identity Crises in certain players.

“Is this how Rafa sprawls his legs – can someone help me out here please?”

“I AM Rafa!”

“SHE ain’t Rafa!”

“I should be Rafa – I am NOT Justine people. Would never do that to you”

“Heinz keeps telling me I’m Rafa.”

“I’M SPARTICUS!”

“Even Rafa doesn’t think I’m Rafa.”

If anyone has further information on the events of the past week – please get in touch.

Here’s what seems to have happened.

-- Ana Ivanovic re-emerged on the scene rebranded as a more considered and confident force – but also bolstered by a Russian-Eastern-European Alliance intent on propping up her cause and assimilating her back in the game. One by one they folded either by design or through injury, poor form or sheer want of decorum . The Alliance had evidently not accounted for MJMS. No one had accounted for Nick Clegg either.

-- Whilst the world was still getting to grips with the idea that a Spanish serve-volleying lefty might actually have a shot at the title – Jelena and Serena put on an exhibition of their own.

Only not the one everyone was after.

-- There were some positives (JJs return to form up until that point was nothing short of inspiring), mitigating factors (Serena’s return from knee injury on her least effective surface after an outage of over three months) and even the tennis wasn’t wholly bad.

-- I just couldn’t stand it, that’s all. JJ played a shocker of a first set, Serena followed with two of her own, which, incidentally, it seemed as though JJ had only pulled through because she’d clung on to her sanity the way I’d barely managed to cling on to dear life itself.

I’m aware that certain twitterati out there thought of this in ‘epic’ terms. That word’s most readily bandied about in an effort at deceiving you into thinking that bloat somehow equates with substance.

An error-strewn mess that got so protracted it actually caused time to stand still – the way it sometimes does when you’re stuck in the tube – sardine-tinned in temperatures exceeding 30 degrees C , with only your warped sensory perception and neighbour’s nostril hair for company – I’ve been there.

So when this happened, it somehow seemed both weirdly apt and oddly satisfying.

For anyone currently domiciled on Pluto, the gist of the explanation proffered up by Serena to JJ at the net was: “…would never cheat you like that…don’t think I would do that…I’m not Justine”.

The “that” in question being this.

Oh Serena - let bygones be…present, alive and kicking thankyouverymuch.

-- Having been to hell and back, JJ might have hoped for an easier ride in the final. It was certainly shorter, and not nearly as hellish. Unless that is you consider drop shotting one’s opponents until their ears bleed viable on-court conduct.

Serve-Volley’s only half the story.

The thing about MJMS is she didn’t simply look to defeat her opponents. Most of the time she seemed to be having a party bear-baiting them, before tying them up in all sorts of knots they didn’t even know existed – her style of play doesn’t simply contrast that of most baseliners, it seems to grate.

I’ll have two please.

-- Time also for people to get off their very high horses over this little caper. Not what you would call her finest moment, though lest we forget – coz some folks clearly have – Gonzo was embroiled in a very similar scandal not two years ago. Don’t remember half as many dagger eyes being directed his way.

From what I can tell MJMS is not Gonzo. She’s also been kind enough to confirm that she too, “would never treat anyone like that”.

-- On a related note, how long before we get to see MJMS and Feli-Lopez play mixed doubles together? All sorts of lefty serve-volley mayhem waiting to happen.

-- On a completely unrelated note – coz silly me, that’s what I thought Americans were to red clay – what on earth are Sammy Querrey and Jonny Isner doing jazzing it up in Serbia? Further proof you should never let the haters stop you from doing your (very lofty) thang.

-- At the start of last week, I found myself wondering whether Federer entering Estoril was even a good idea. An early loss at a 250 event – not unlikely under the circumstances – could prove devastating coming so soon after Rome, and would seem to imply that a certain tipping point had been reached.

Has it?

A slap in the face to the Daveed Ferrers of this world, who were kept out of the top ten for all those years only for him to punk out against…Albert Montanes?

A respectable player in his own right, but hardly a Kolya or a Nole, whom Fed lost to in Doha and Basel recently, both also 250 events.

For now, I’m electing to keep schtum on the topic of thresholds and tipping points, unless and until I see that Slam semi-final streak go *snap*. That really would be a tipping point.

(Photos: AFP, Reuters, AP)

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Rome: The Great Leggings Crisis.

I love it when the players wear leggings. And while we’re on the topic - sleeves rock too.

It lends itself to a cosier, organic world view of the sport in which we, mere mortals, get to believe we’re not that far removed from it’s elite.

Venus of course, with her willowy frame, takes things to another level. The sixties, jewel heists, Audrey Hepburn – that sort of thing.

Fair enough? Good. Coz everything’s changed.

When Dementcha took to court in both sleeves and leggings yesterday, I may have been mildly amused, but was veering more towards wondering why I’d only seen her try it out once before – it seemed to sit well with both her athleticism, and more pragmatic, image-is-not-quite-everything approach to tennis.

We all know what happened there.

Ana followed that up with a 6-2 7-5 win over Nadia today. A quite heinous first set from Petrova, but let me unmask the real culprit: Baby-blue (sleeved) worn over suitably sleek black leggings.

# DA-DAH-DAAAAH!

Picking apart JJ’s 6-0 6-1 demolition of Venus today, two things seem to stick out.

The first is JJ’s impeccable performance. Not especially surprising given she’d been playing well all week. On the other hand, I’ve not seen this level from her since 2007 or thereabouts.

The second involves more of those black leggings - teal sleeves over black leggings to be precise. And not even the fact that she wore it so well, would prevent Venus from being engulfed in it’s fury.

Serena, Jelena, Ana and MJMS left standing. Neither wore leggings of any sort. Just saying.

No longer surprised at Bepa’s first round exit. She’s got a rather lot to answer for don’t you think?

(Photo: AP)

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Rome: Ana’s Back…sorta

Ana Ivanovic has won three matches in a row.

I kid ye not - two of those were top ten wins.

Linz 2008, for the wannabe-eggheads amongst you, was the last time that happened.

When I heard she’d put out Vesnina (a player ranked 26 spots above her), I put it down to chance.

When I heard she’d taken down Vika, I put it down to injury.

As I watched her opposite Dementieva today, there was little doubt in my mind I was seeing a player transformed (That doesn’t mean I approve of all the changes, but we’ll get back to that).

You’ll hear it said often enough over the next 24 hours, so let me just observe right out that Dementcha was not at the races. Disembowel anyone that tries to tell you otherwise.

I just don’t think it matters very much is all and, in any case, doesn’t account for the radical way in which Gunhardt appears to have gone about stripping down and gutting out Ana’s game – before seemingly rebuilding it from the ground up.

Which you might argue is exactly what was required (She’d done the whole one-step-fwd-two-steps-back dance for nearly two years).

Gone, I hope, is the over-pressing, try-hard neurotic – the one that likes to paint all her misgivings as being born of “perfectionism” – and in her place sits a focused but chancy competitor. I did say I hope.

What immediately leaps out at you is how she’s no longer as interested in going for the lines – electing instead in favour of a greater margin for error, mostly (it must be said) through increased spin and height over the net.

That’s right folks, Ana’s gone down the grinders route, much in the way Novak did in 2008. He’s not been the same ever since.

Though I’m more inclined to agree that this was the right thing to do in Ana’s case seeing as how the levels of toxicity present in her game had breached all internationally agreed limits, and how taking the pressure off herself in this way seems to have allowed her to relax. She’s certainly not spraying errors anymore.

There’s also the beefier serve of course, which no longer appears to suffer from those giddy ball tosses, and which dug her out of many tough spots today.

What happens from this point on is largely down to her opponents and whether or not Ana’s in her happy place.

At her best she now seems capable of exactly the kinds of changes in pace and direction missing from her tennis philosophy only a few months ago (the word “texture” was mentioned). That I like.

At its worst, it’s little more than pushing (which would likely quickly be seized upon by a more demanding presence than Elena proved to be today).

But you know what? She doesn’t appear to care. For now it’s good enough to have her winning matches again, so I can’t in all honesty say that I do either.

Over in Estoril, some guy called Roger Federer won his first clay court match of the season. From what I hear he’s considered a good bet for the French Open, though he himself insists he’s not the favourite.

He’s right.

(Photo: AP)

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Miami: Distilled Thoughts.

Can Federer snap the four year losing streak?

Canas-Canas-Fish-Roddick-Muzz-Djoko-Baggy-?

Said enough about this already, and we all have our theories on why the Fifth Slams continue to plague him so.

As an aside, more and more of tennis’ chattering classes seem to be leaning towards Rome as a more amiable fit for any such Fifth Slam designation, both historically speaking and with tennis currently garnering a more international appeal.

I question the notional value created by any such Fifth Slam, but if we are to have one, why not Rome?

Both Serena and Venus (*double take*) have won the title once and let’s just say Rome 2006 remains only slightly less etched into my cellular membrane than Wimbledon 2008.

There is one other thing of course: Fed’s never won Rome. Nor it seems is designating it a fifth Slam likely to do much for his chances there.

The takeaway: Have as many notional Slam denominations as you want – it’s the perfect Goat jinx-out.

Is Ana’s snapping of her four match losing streak a sign of things to come?

(Photo: Getty)

Too early to say.

But I’d like to attribute at least something to Heinz Gunthardt, not in terms of trying out anything fundamentally different perhaps, but by virtue of simply being possessed of a different face.

She plays Aggy next, a match you’d have to be a Philistine not to want Ana to win - and that’s coming from an A-Rad fan.

Will Murray be exposed by Soderling again?

He’s in his section of the draw again, and it’s not just me that thought Murray looked especially ineffectual against Big Rob in IW.

Oz certainly seemed to demonstrate how far he’s come – IW on the other hand, seemed to demonstrate how uniquely susceptible he remains to a Big Rob free-wheeling at his very best.

Let me be blunt: I don’t think he can beat him without some sort of letdown on the part of Soderling. Big Serving might aid his cause too.

Is Caz-Woz the ‘Real’ #2?

har-har-HARDY-har-har. Back here again are we?

Nothing against her – aside perhaps from the overly-polished and slightly contrived way in which she conducts herself on the winners/runners-up podium – all a matter of taste after all and not really her fault considering she’s only 19 and clearly not one to wear her heart on her sleeve.

But let’s cut to the chase shall we?

She’s accumulated bucket loads of points by committing to the JJ-quantity-over-quality-schedule, playing so unadventurous a brand of tennis it threatens to make Aggy look positively fierce.

If Aggy is a pusher – I put it to you all that Caz-Woz is a prodder.

There may be a place in tennis for that, but I’d hope it’s not anywhere near the top five.

The good news is she’s got oodles of time to fix it.

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Indian Wells: “The Taller they are…” oh never mind

(Photo by Harry How/Getty Images)

Nothing much that has happened in womens tennis since 2007 has surprised me very much.

A few days back I made rather too much of Oudin’s opening round exit.

Since then, Henin, Kuznetsova and Ivanovic have all followed suit – the last of which will result in her ejection out of the world’s top fifty, a position she’s not been in since 2004.

I’m almost sorry I put together those “Upsets waiting to happen”.

Ana? So funked out it’s not even funny any more. Not sure anything anyone can say right now will make any difference – though can we start by NOT trotting out the tired Vaidasova analogies? (we can only hope that losing to a 17 year old in the opening round of an ITF eventisn’t a fate that awaits her).

Kuzzie? A walking, talking, breathing embodiment of the hit-and-miss metaphor; within hours of that loss yesterday she was making plans to fly to the cosmos on her twitter feed (no really).

(Photo: AFP)

Following Sveta’s tweets is not actually that dissimilar to following her performances on court – mostly a disjointed, incoherent and slightly garbled experience. Not that difficult actually to imagine her making galaxy visitation plans in between first and second serves.

Henin? Puzzling, though not wholly inexplicable.

Her game has been in a state of flux since her comeback began, with a big first serve and more overall aggression at the heart of her well-publicised agenda. I’m gradually warming to the idea of more pace on that first serve – not remotely convinced her groundstrokes are in need of any change at all.

Though should we be that surprised she’s struggling to reinvent herself after nearly two years out of the game?

The Williamses absence always makes IW something of an alternate universe.

You know you’re witnessing peculiarity when Sveta and Caz-Woz are the top two seeds.

Throw in a a string of pullouts, a charity event that turns out to be more awkward than Taylor Swifts acceptance speech and you have fertile grounds for further upsets not less.

Shaza and Zheng Jie on court as I speak.

Maybe I should have kept my choice of upsets to myself.

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