1. If you still don't know how to slide, go back to the South American Futures Circuit and learn. Every surface has an art form and sliding is the poetry of the dirt baller.
Oh the dreaminess of it all...(Photo: European Pressphoto Agency)
3. If you're a gasping, heaving wreck of a mess after just a set and half on the red stuff, go back and build up your endurance. Do some Bikram Yoga (it seemed to help Murray) or spend a week living with David Ferrer.
4. If you're excessively prone to injuries or have a problem with your knees, you should probably not expect to do too well on clay unless your name is Rafael Nadal.
5. There's something uniquely satisfying in seeing a deftly executed drop shot (preferably cross court) being hit on a clay court, just clearing the net and dying a silent (red?), dirty death on it's powdery, rust coloured surface - like seeing a skilled executioner at work.
6. There's nothing 'unrefined' or 'childish' about the drop shot. It should be present in the arsenal of every modern player - more so on clay. Ignore the 'Red Death' at your peril. After years of considering it beneath him and thinking he knew better, even Roger went over to the other side. Speaking of which...
7. Despite his affairs currently being more domestic in nature, with marriage, honeymooning on the job and the mother of all paradigm shifts - looming parenthood, and despite what transpired on court a week ago (and the very prickly press cons afterwards), and despite his last notable clay court title coming around two years ago at the (now defunct) Hamburg Masters, and despite having had his hopes and quite a lot of his dignity dashed at Roland Garros last year, Roger Federer remains (unless proved otherwise) the 2nd best clay courter in the world.
Not really born to slide, but still...(Photo: Getty)
8. Despite what your motivational expert might tell you, it is both scientifically and technically impossible to defeat a fully functioning (injury free) Rafael Nadal on a clay court.
9. Rafa's unique (freakish) gifts make him particularly suited to clay in a way which perhaps no player before him ever has been. Or maybe ever will be.
10. The amount of topspin imparted on a ball struck by a Rafael Nadal Forehand is considered by some to be the eighth wonder of the world.
EIghth Wonder of the World?(Photo: Claude Paris/AP)
12. Corollary: Beating Rafa on a clay court requires him to be injured or excessively fatigued.
Proof: Federer (Hamburg 07), Ferrero (Rome 08)
13. Further Clay Court Corollary: There is no such thing as a clay court 'contender' at Roland Garros - only players that haven't yet run into Rafael Nadal.
Proof: Nicolas Almagro (RG 08); won only three games in a straight set loss to Nadal that I likened to having his knee caps removed in a Guy Ritchie gangster movie; he was at the time considered by some silly people to be the third best clay courter in the world.
14. Never be so brazen as to attempt to begin your clay court season at a Masters 1000 event 'cold turkey'. You may run into Rafael Nadal in your opening match.
15. Entering any clay court event that Rafa doesn't appear to have heard of might be a better way to ease oneself in to conducting an effective clay court campaign (N.B. 'Effective' here spans the entire set of skills found in modern tennis but in no way implies the possibility of a win over Rafael Nadal).
16. You'll then be ready to take on David Ferrer at his regular haunt in Valencia which is the next step in 'easing' oneself in to conducting an effective clay court campaign.
17. Don't under any circumstances accept a wildcard to Barcelona expecting Rafa to be at anything other than his most brutally efficent. Rafa's love of this event is only exceeded by the size of the trophy here.
Unbeknownst to Rafa, he'd also won over 5 titles simultaneously in the 'clean and jerk' category...(Photo: Eurosport)
19. If Rafa really doesn't turn up to Madrid this year he'll go down as this year's recipient of the ATP Humanitarian of the Year Award and his forgoing of the 1000 points up for grabs will be listed under the 'Charitable Works and Donations' section of his website.
20. Goathood and all other references to professed excellence are meaningless when on a clay court facing Rafael Nadal.
21. Similarly, phrases like 'all things being equal' during conversations focusing on match analysis are meaningless and actually pretty stupid when discussing any clay court matches that involve Rafael Nadal. All things are never, can never be 'equal' in that situation.
22. Andy Murray has all the makings of a great clay courter except for his suspect fitness. But we've not seen the new Murray perform on clay yet - you know, the one that has won more matches than all his rivals in the last 9 months, the one that seems to make sport of beating up on the top three and the first guy to win three titles this season.
23. Novak Djokovic has a very impressive record on clay but is currently giving me no reason to believe he'll be able to keep that up. Nevertheless I'm keeping optimistic.
24. Andy Murray will at some point before RG, surpass Novak Djokovic to become the number three player in the world.
25. Nikolay Davydenko is back in action at Monte Carlo this week and should be capable of having a great clay court season. He should in fact be capable of playing on any surface, but for some inexplicable reason forgets what a tennis ball is on grass.
26. David Ferrer should theoretically be at the head of a bunch of clay courters that only come unstuck against the top four. He didn't however live up to that last year.
27. Expect big things from David Nalbandian.
28. Expect inexplicably bad things from David Nalbandian.
29. "Marat... Meeting Rm 4A, 4:30pm - we need to talk about your clay court swan song...". Seriously.
30. Andy Roddick somehow managed to get to the semis at Rome last year before having to pull out with a back injury. He's giving us plenty of reasons not to dismiss him on his least relevant surface.
31. James Blake had a great run at Rome last year too, but unlike Andy, is unfortunately giving is plenty of reasons to dismiss him on his least relevant surface.
32. If his performance at last years Davis Cup Tie against Spain is anything to go by, expect Sam Querry to outperform James Blake.
33. Tommy Robredo is beginning to look largely irrelevant on clay and most all other surfaces.
34. I've not seen much of Nicolas Almagro since that grizzly match against Rafa last year. Understandable, as he's probably undergoing post traumatic stress therapy of some kind (and having work done on those knee caps). Be good to see him back as he does have a good clay court game and is very interesting to watch. Just don't go reading too much into the talk of people that big you up so much, Nicolas. And lose some pounds.
35. Clay Court Tennis would benefit from a return to form for Guillermo Coria and his drop shots. Unfortunately I don't think we're ever going to see it.
36. It's becoming increasingly fashionable to say that there are no clay court specialists remaining in the modern game. Ignore these people and their 'populist' approach to tennis. David Ferrer is a clay courter, Novak Djokovic isn't. Tommy Robredo is a clay courter, Marat Safin isn't. Seems easy enough to me...
37. That said, clay court tennis is increasingly becoming a hybrid of the lengthy, loopy exchanges we know and (some of us) love, and the flatter, point-ending ball striking more prevalent on the hard courts.
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